Well, I don’t write a lot for myself. I do write emails and whatnot for work, but writing this blog is something I want to do more often. So when I threw out a blog I wrote in November, it was sort of a big deal for me.
It was about the Moon Channel youtube essay Why is K-On! So Popular With Twitter Nazis? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDneagagd5s). The video is pretty much as the title suggests, a deep dive into why the K-On anime is seemingly so popular with fascists on social media. You can still go on Palmer Lucky’s twitter/X account (who is a far right douchebag for reference) and see him posing with the characters from the K-On anime today. It is a thing that unfortunately still seems to be occurring.
My blog was pretty much just about why wouldn’t you fight for this show? Why would you let the fascists have it? Why not argue why they are wrong? Explaining why they love it, but then not providing insight in why they shouldn’t enjoy it seemingly gives them permission, I argued. The thing that actually stopped me publishing it was someone commenting something akin to “DEBATE ME BRO!!!” on the video, and I decided that I may be on the wrong side of things here.
I took some time (7 months actually) and rewatched the conclusion of the video, and I am glad I didn’t post that blog, because I think I got something over mulling it over.
One thing that helped me think this through was a video from lil' bill's barbershop called Black Lives DON'T matter, and I blame you (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pQWjgQMbeM). It goes over a lot of things, but one of the things that jumped out to me was how comfort isn’t security, and how online spaces deal with conflict, and allow us to dehumanize those in which we don’t regularly interact. For one, it helped me put things into perspective, and understand that while we have politics and things we believe in, the reactions we have to things aren't necessarily rooted in what we believe. I have a lot of baggage and stuff that I have to sort through, and one of the big things I have to work through here is how the media I watch may not be actively destroying anything, but it is the sort of trashy media that is empty calories. Sure, the cake and potato chips aren’t evil, but maybe they are killing you?
The question here is then do we need media to make us better people, and no it doesn’t. The issue is that with a world seemingly so broken and on fire, can we pretend that something that isn’t screaming metaphorically (or literally) about the world is okay? We are all suffocating on the building anxiety of growing unease that we will not be able to sustain ourselves, so does watching something that ignores that even worth indulging? We all need to relax and escape, but how much escape do we need before things just sort of collapse around us?
There then sort of creeps in this sort of puritan impulse that feels embedded in Americans at birth that we need to put away our childish things, and focus on the problems instead of our own mental health. We have to feel guilty, we have to feel bad, because we are guilty and bad. At all times. There is nothing you can do to get rid of this feeling, so you have to constantly fight and improve. If you don’t, you are letting yourself and your community down. This is why I couldn’t post that blog. I didn’t really care that much about K-On, it is a fine show, the video essay even says that in its own conclusion. The thing is that I didn’t want to feel bad anymore. I am so tired of feeling bad all the time. I don’t want the world to judge me. I don’t want them to think I’m a fascist, so I just feel bad, and continue to feel bad.
This truth I wandered into made me understand why I had such a reaction. It was just this bullshit of my own creation that I needed to dismantle. I don’t need to feel guilty, because the crime is something of my own creation. My own anxiety composes a situation in which someone will think less of me. In the end, if I take the sugary trash I am consuming in the right vein, and I understand the implications, and fight against what I believe is wrong, then I am good. Even a little cake and potato chips can be part of a healthy diet in moderation. It is just tough to circle that square in the moment. Can I watch K-On, or any other slice of life anime, without thinking about the fascists now? Did we allow them to steal this from us, even though it was never theirs?
Maybe this was never about Moon Channel, right wing bigots, or anyone else at all. It was always just another way to beat myself up with other people’s perception. Watching anime has always had guilt attached to it for me. I remember when I was in elementary school getting up early before my parents woke up and trying to sneak the Sci Fi Channel program Saturday Morning Anime where they would show things like Vampire Hunter D and Dominion Tank Police. While these were censored, it still felt adult and sinful to a youth like me. I got into Sailor Moon as a child, until I told my mom. I stopped watching because she actually supported me enjoying it. The allure of watching media I wasn’t supposed to was gone. Slice of life anime for an adult man is often an exercise, whether we like it or not, as a window into a space we are not typically given access to. In my defense, as a true slice of life connoisseur, I don’t just watch stuff like K-On that shows the life of high school girls, but I also enjoy shows such as Suzae-san and Atashin'chi which gives access to the slice of life of domestic family life. Specifically Japanese ideal family life, if we are going to keep it a buck.
As an introverted person, slice of life anime do give me comfort, and maybe that is comfort that I should seek out myself in real spaces. Maybe I should just talk to more people and gain community that way. Would I then just be creating relationships just to make myself feel good and accomplished? Objectifying people that way also seems wrong and off. The key here, much like the balanced diet mentioned before, is to indulge when you need it, and then still go out and socialize. Let people be people, and then consume media when you need a little treat. Like a diet, it isn’t always going to be easy to stick to. The key is when you fall off the wagon, make sure you get back on.
Or am I just giving into my puritan ingrained subconscious guilt again? Am I really going to improve, or am I just going to tell you I am working on it, and keep watching anime by myself? Maybe the worm that has crawled into my brain is that somehow being a social person and watching slice of life anime are conflicting things, but really they aren’t opposed at all. It has actually plagued me so much that I needed to write all this down. Writing this feels like I am vomiting bile that had been building in my soul. Hopefully this helps me, and maybe even helps you too.
In the meantime, maybe I just need a nap…
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