QUICK QUESTIONS GO!
Dear Carls,
I’m hungry! WHAT SHOULD I DO!?
PLEASE HALP
Dear Please Halp,
You should probably get some food and feed yourself. Some fruits and vegetables would be pretty good.
Dear Carls,
I don’t have any good new music, and every new album I buy is mediocre. What should I buy to cure this rut I am in?
No Record DJ
Dear No Record DJ,
I actually just started to listen to Woman by Rhye. It is really good! You should try that. If all else fails, you should delve into some classical music. That stuff is timeless. Get some Vivaldi, Bach, or whatever and go to town!
Dear Carls,
My life is pointless. What should I do?
No Point
Dear No Point,
Invest in spears, pens, and pins.
Dear Carls,
I have writer’s block. How do you get over it?
Can’t Think of Anything Clever
Dear CTOAC,
Well, don’t start an advice column thinking people will send in questions so you will be inspired to write. That doesn’t really work in my experience.
I usually just get on my laptop and write everything that comes into my head until I get on track and start writing something more cohesive.
Dear Carls,
How do I lose weight?
Big Person
Dear Big Person,
Losing weight is a math problem. Eat less calories, and exercise to lose calories, and if you end up in the negative, you are good to go. It is better to eat less than exercise more, as eating huge meals then exercising for 3 hours straight seems disastrous to me, but whatever works, works. Also educate yourself, and be smart about what you eat. Good luck!
Dear Carls,
Look out!
DUCK!!!!!
Dear Duck,
This isn’t a question.
Dear Carls,
I don’t understand satire. Is it supposed to be funny?
Satirically Unclear
Dear SU,
The key to understanding satire is that good satire should be almost indistinguishable with the real thing. If you are making a satire about society, the satire should reflect enough about it to be instantly recognizable, but altered just enough to make the audience aware that something is being criticized. That problem with a lot of satire is that it is too obvious and just wanders in parody. The other problem with satire nowadays is that I am finding it harder and harder to tell the difference. Real news stories seem to criticize themselves at times. It is weird.
Anyway, no, it isn’t supposed to be funny. It can be, but it is the type of funny that makes you laugh nervously because how messed up it is. I suggest Dr. Strangelove for your first foray into understanding satire.
Dear Carls,
I am nice guy, but girl I chase is no like me! Why no like me?
Caveman
Dear Caveman,
Attraction is not something that someone “fights” for. If someone is not interested, you should respect their feelings and leave them alone. This sort of “if I try hard enough, they’ll like me!” mentality goes against most things we actually understand about human psychology and sexuality. Granted, that doesn’t mean you should close out any possibility, but once you pass the ball into someone’s court, don’t try to throw other balls in the court because they haven’t thrown the first ball you threw back yet.
So what I am trying to say is, girl no like, so leave alone.
Dear Carls,
I have a math problem for you!
*EDITED*
Math Prof
Dear Math Prof,
No.
Dear Carls,
What did you get for Black Friday?
Curious George
Dear Curious George,
I got two video games, a pair of sweatpants, a new shirt, and a buncha music albums.
Well, that is it for this week! Write into frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com to have your questions answered!
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