For my 100th blog, I decided to do something new! Welcome to FAC! Frequently Asked Carls. In this new feature, I will make up questions, and then answer them. If you have any questions, I will answer them anonymously from the email address frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com ! I will answer the questions I want to answer, or I will just make up more of my own.
Or I will think this is a silly idea and kill it right away. Either way, let’s begin!
Dear Carls,
I am a 9 year old super genius about to enter college and my new, much older friends were asking me how I stand politically. Being too young to have an opinion, but too smart to plead naivety, what is the difference between Republicans and Democrats?
How does Babby Form an Opinion?
Dear HDBFAO,
When it comes to politics, I remember what my Junior High School teacher taught me.
Republicans are like, “OH NO! THE WHOLE WORLD IS ENDING! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! WE HAVE TO STOP CHANGING THINGS! THINGS MUST GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE BEFORE OR WE ARE DOOOOOOOOOOMED!”
Democrats are like, “OH NO! THE WHOLE WORLD IS ENDING! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! WE HAVE TO CHANGE THINGS! THINGS MUST CHANGE OR WE ARE DOOOOOOOOOOMED!”
So essentially, we are all doomed, unless we do the things politicians tell us to do. My advice is to pick the party that believes the stuff less objectionable to you and stick with that side even when they start doing stuff you completely disagree with. That is what most people seem to do, anyways. Worst comes to worst, just pull the “But I haven’t puberty yet!” excuse. That usually works for me.
Dear Carls,
How do get girls to like me? I sure like them, but they never seem to like me as much as I like them! What is a guy like me supposed to do?
Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
Freud tells us that women are subconsciously attracted to men who act like their fathers, but if Freud told you to jump off a cliff, would you?! That is what I thought.
The key to a woman’s heart is knowing that no one has any real idea what attracts women. You may give me guff for saying so, but if you look at any scientific study of what women find attractive, you’ll find a lot of smart people doing their best to sound smart while shrugging their shoulders. The consensus seems to be that female sexuality is “fluid” which is nice, but it causes the male side of humanity to scratch their heads. Honestly, men are so often dragged kicking and screaming to whatever they are attracted to by other body parts than their brains that the idea that women aren’t nearly as one-dimensional as men confuses the ever living heck out of us. My advice is to take a shower, get out there, and be yourself, because I guarantee you that doing anything else is more trouble than it’s worth.
Oh, and if any of your friends try to convince you of “ladder theory,” “acting like a jerk is sexy,” or whatever else nonsense people have come up with, remember this: Brad Pitt will always find a date, no matter what he does, you on the other hand may have to be a bit more thoughtful.
Dear Carls,
I am thinking of getting a Xbox One or a Playstation 4. The problem is that they both have their pluses and minuses, and a lot of the information seems to contradict itself. What console should I get and what are you getting?
Console Warrior in Training
Dear CW in T,
Technology companies are not nearly run as well and efficiently as they want you to think. Both Sony and Microsoft are doing their best to act like they know what they are doing (Microsoft seem to be losing in this department, in my opinion), but in reality, both companies are scrambling and running around like Chicken Little, but it is very possible their world will end if they fail. The consoles will come out, and you are going to hear a chorus of thousands complaining that nothing works and everything is broken. The possibility that the online portions of either the Xbox One or Playstation 4 are going to work the first day, or even the first week, is a fantasy, and since both consoles rely so heavily on online connectivity, buying the consoles the first day is more like a preorder for a console that will work one day. Even when things settle down, considering the game selection and the coming updates that will make the consoles do what they advertised they would do will take so long that no matter what, buying a new console now is more like a vote of hope than actually buying a functional multi-hundred dollar electronic device. My advice is to wait and laugh at all the people who buy these things and cry that they didn’t see this coming.
Or buy a Vita. Those things are pretty cool.
Dear Carls,
With Thanksgiving coming up, what is your favorite way to cook a turkey?
Jive Turkey
Dear Jive Turkey,
My favorite way to cook a turkey is to make somebody else do it, and then thank them profusely when they are done. It fits right into the holiday! Just make sure you make some of the side dishes or you look like a jerk.
Dear Carls,
My cat just died and I am feeling bummed out. What is the best way to deal with the death of a loved one?
Resting in Pieces.
Dear RIP,
Death is the final absurdity that we all have to deal with. Being here, and then having to cope with the idea that our consciousness could fade away is something I am not sure if humans are even designed to deal with. That is probably why many people compared sleeping to death and became afraid of even losing any sort of consciousness. The fear of death has caused some of the most genuine kindness and caused some of the most heinous atrocities that the world has ever seen. Death is all around us, but people choose to ignore it because the complexity is so intense that any deep meditation on it can cause depression. Even the most wise philosopher has to battle with death, and may succumb to it before even being close to accepting it.
So, what I am trying to say is get over your cat already. Jeeze.
Dear Carls,
The internet seems like such a horrible, sad place. People are mean to each other, and with all the anonymity, there are no consequences. How can we change the internet so it can be a better place for all?
No LOLs
Dear No LOLs,
Well, committing yourself to doing a blog every week will help cut down your free time a bit. The combination of working on it every week and constantly thinking about it will make you think a lot less about why those anonymous people are so mean, and more about why more people don’t read what you write.
Alright! Thank you for reading and let’s hope there will be 100 more entries! If you want to send a question, remember, the email address is frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com .
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