FAC - November 24th 2013

This week, we have two REAL emails from readers like you! ENJOY!

Is there a God?

Are the Bible, Quran, etc. really holy books?

Are they also holy in other galaxies?

How do you know?

What happens if you’re wrong?

What's going on with the weather?

Do you know where I can buy a nice pillow?

Thank you

Dear Thank You,

Whenever I question whether or not God exists, it reminds me of that cliche of the mathematician in front a huge blackboard filled with numbers and equations, and then proclaiming that he has successfully proved or disproved that God exists. It seems like that mathematician is going to lose either way, either they prove God exists and people will then argue which incarnation it is through the near infinite possibilities, or they will prove God doesn’t exist and religious people will just assert that God is based on faith, and not math.

I could go through the logic for either side, and at some point, it feels like an exercise in semantics and beliefs rather than facts. Does God exist? I don’t know, and at some point, I get too tired to even try.

As far as whether the Bible, Quran, etc. are really holy books, I think they are. Though, that goes into what does “holy” even mean. I think that these books are “holy” because they gave so many people the basis for moral and scholarly thinking. These books are the basis for civilization on some level, and provide stories that people worldwide can relate to, and use to communicate. Whether or not you believe in them, it is their undeniable effect on humanity is in itself something that is worth discussing.

If humanity is considered something worth studying and understanding, these books will live on and be considered “holy,” though perhaps not as much as people on Earth do. I don’t really have any way of knowing this for sure, but luckily the requirements for being an advice columnist is just wanting to blather out your opinion, so I at least fit that bill. If my advice turns out to be wrong, well, it will be a learning experience for all of us, then.

The weather is pretty crazy, but it is not what is up, but what comes down, that should be your worry.

I think this pillow looks nice.

Dear Carls,

What do you think about all these rapper / video game mashup albums like 2 Mello's Nastlevania?  And do you think Nas could really beat a Dracula?

Sincerely,

Rapper-Video Game Fan

Dear Rapper-Video Game Fan,

I like them. I think they do a good job of showing off what is compelling about both rap and video game music. Sometimes the people mixing these things can take it a little too far and create something that isn’t appealing, at least to my ears, but I appreciate the effort. I just wish that this sort of thing could exist without the fear that some corporation is going to try and shut all these music projects down. It works as good advertising for all parties, but some people just want to control everything, even if it can cost themselves potential customers that they never could have gotten otherwise. I still wonder sometimes if all the hullabaloo about copyright legislation over the last couple of decades and how copyright laws will “encourage creativity,” has only stunted creativity and lead people to just try create disposable media to exploit people. People are still making media based off of Sleepy Hollow and Hans Christian Andersen stories, but that is because those stories are in the public domain. What hope is there for media made today that may not fall into the Public domain for decades? Will any of it last? Are we just creating an environment that is beneficial for the short term, but terrible for the long term? Only time will tell.

As far as if Nas could beat a Dracula, I am pretty sure he could. Especially if that Dracula challenged him to a rap battle like in the album you sent me. That just seems like very bad planning. Dracula gets his power by being a critique on Victorian culture, that is, he acts like a perfect gentleman, but is secretly a monster, which is contradictory to how Victorian people thought acting proper reflected on your true character. Nas has made an art about “keepin’ it real” so I just can’t imagine a Dracula having any chance at all.

That is it for this FAC. Please send your questions into frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com and I will answer them! Enjoy the week!

FAC - November 17th

Dear Carls,

I am a freshman in college and I am interested in Japan, but I keep on hearing about the low birth rate in Japan, and I am worried! When I get out of college, will there still be a Japan to be interested in?! Also, will there be anyone there who will want to be my girlfriend? This is making me question my whole plan of study here!

Japan Sinks

Dear Japan Sinks,

In James Clavell book Shogun, one of the characters regards Japan as an “island of death.” While that book is historical fiction, it isn’t too crazy to believe that someone in Japan said something like that in the past. The fact is, Japan has been struck by earthquakes, typhoons, and tsunamis since it was created, so “Japan being in crisis” is not a new thing.

In old Japanese plays and books, double suicides (or “shinju”) of two lovers that could kill themselves because their love was forbidden by their society was romanticized to the point of cliche. “Shinju” literally means “in the heart” which implies that killing yourself for your lover is the deepest desire of the heart. It becomes a bit more reasonable to then to think of why perhaps an individual in Japan might not want to invest their lives to such an ideal. In crowded cities where it can be too expensive to live without a full time job, a low birth rate sounds more reasonable.

As far as your problem goes, a low birth rate doesn’t mean a country with no need for love or human contact. It just means that people have gotten used to using birth control. As far as Japan still existing when you get out of college, you should probably worry more about the rising sea level and the unpredictable changes climate change may bring. The low birth rate may be the least of your problems.

In the end, nothing worth doing is going to be easy. Just don’t go because you want to see giant robots and anime babes. I can assure you, those things have been exaggerated by the Japanese media.

Dear Carls,

What is your favorite Star Wars movie???

Star Wars Fan

Dear Star Wars Fan,

I am not sure if I have a favorite Star Wars film anymore. I was going to say A New Hope, but I rewatched that recently and it just wasn’t as good as I remembered it. Maybe all the changes that have been made to it over the years (and the inability to see the original version) have dulled it for me, but I just can’t work up any enthusiasm for Star Wars anymore. I will admit that it is mostly based on the fan backlash that has emerged in the last decade.

I am so sick of hearing that George Lucas “raped your childhood.” You know what? Maybe you shouldn’t base your childhood on a series of movies. Granted, I assume that most people wouldn’t consider Star Wars their entire childhood, but the way people talk about it, Star Wars might as well been. You know whose childhood Star Wars actually makes up? George Lucas’ childhood. He is the one who watched Flash Gordon and other sci-fi serials, and made Star Wars as a pastiche to the things he loved as a child. It sucks that George Lucas seems adamant about not releasing the old versions, but you know what reasonable people do when something makes them angry to the point of ranting about it over and over on the internet? They stop paying attention to it!

I have nothing against people who like Star Wars. Star Wars is a fun universe, and I hope it appeals to me again one day, but for now, let’s give the hate a little rest.

On second thought, maybe Empire is my favorite? At this point, maybe my favorite Star Wars film is Clerks. They do talk about it at some point.

Well, That is it for this week. If you have any questions, please, please, please send them to frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com ! Have a good week!

FAC November 11th, 2013

Why hello there! A little late, but this week, I have actual questions! From actual people! See if you can figure out which are real and which are fake! You can email me anonymously at frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com !

Dear Carls,

What is the meaning of thought? And why do people shop at Wal-mart?

Seeker of truth

Dear Seeker of Truth,

Thought is a component of consciousness. Thought is what allows connections to be made inside the brain and meaning to be achieved. To ask the meaning of thought requires circular reasoning for it is impossible to ponder without using thought. It would be like trying to explain gravity without using mass. Perhaps the “meaning” of thought is to question the meaning in the first place, which is to say, thought creates its own meaning through existence.

And people shop at Wal-mart because it is convenient and the employees are so apathetic that you can sometimes get some pretty good deals on their mistakes.

Dear Carls,

what is friend?

xoxo,

an adoring fan

There are actually two definitions.

The most popular definition is a person that you can rely on and enjoy being around. A friend is like family that is achieved through kindness and empathy instead of blood. I think important key to friendship is also being able to cherish them enough to be happy for them even when they are doing something that may not be completely beneficial for you, but also speak up to them when they are doing something you don’t approve of. A friend should be somebody that you don’t have to give a disposition of every aspect of your life to, but you would feel comfortable to say anything to them.

The second much less popular definition is the “end of a Friday.” The second definition is admittedly something I just made up.

Dear Carls,

I am secretly stalking you through your Xbox Live account, and I noticed you finished Max Payne 3. How was the game, and what are better ways of stalking other than monitoring your video game achievements? I honestly forgot why I thought that was a good idea in the first place.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

Dear Acronym,

I enjoyed Max Payne 3. I think mostly because I enjoy Rockstar’s interpretation of the Max Payne character. Taking that comic-book noir character full of monologues constructed of ridiculous similes and turning him into a self-hating drunk is so much more interesting than 99% of video game protagonists. There was something about the way the game would glorify violence and action in the mechanics, but star a character that hates every fiber of his being. It creates a strong brew that I could completely empathize with. Not that I can relate to a man killing hundreds of people in self defense, but I can relate to Max Payne’s journey of hating things that have become habits for him. A lot of people criticized the game for this contradiction, saying that it was implausible for a man to hate himself and do the things he can do, but I think in a lot of ways they are missing the point. Max Payne doesn’t call himself a weak old man because he is actually a weak old man, but because his life has gone off the track for so long that the only thing perpetuating his existence is his deeply buried sense of guilt. He over criticizes his ability as a protector and a killer because it is something he never wanted to be in the first place.

This mix of skill and frailty is then communicated through the mechanics. The mechanics require the player to get into cover, or else be instantly killed by gunfire. Then the player has to chance to plan ahead, built up bullet time meter, and slow down time to execute that plan. It is not a perfect game by any stretch of the imagination. The game loves to set up a lot of subtlety and nuance, but then ruin it by having the antagonists make it explicit, and the ending feels sort of light and unearned (though the ending level had one of the best sequences I have played in the third person shooter genre), but overall I am glad I invested my time in Max Payne 3.

And a good way to stalk me is by reading my blog every week! Gimme those page hits.

Well, that is it for this week! Once again that email is frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com ! Enjoy the week!

FAC - November 3rd 2013

For my 100th blog, I decided to do something new! Welcome to FAC! Frequently Asked Carls. In this new feature, I will make up questions, and then answer them. If you have any questions, I will answer them anonymously from the email address frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com ! I will answer the questions I want to answer, or I will just make up more of my own.

Or I will think this is a silly idea and kill it right away. Either way, let’s begin!

Dear Carls,

I am a 9 year old super genius about to enter college and my new, much older friends were asking me how I stand politically. Being too young to have an opinion, but too smart to plead naivety, what is the difference between Republicans and Democrats?

How does Babby Form an Opinion?

Dear HDBFAO,

When it comes to politics, I remember what my Junior High School teacher taught me.

Republicans are like, “OH NO! THE WHOLE WORLD IS ENDING! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! WE HAVE TO STOP CHANGING THINGS! THINGS MUST GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE BEFORE OR WE ARE DOOOOOOOOOOMED!”

Democrats are like, “OH NO! THE WHOLE WORLD IS ENDING! WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! WE HAVE TO CHANGE THINGS! THINGS MUST CHANGE OR WE ARE DOOOOOOOOOOMED!”

So essentially, we are all doomed, unless we do the things politicians tell us to do. My advice is to pick the party that believes the stuff less objectionable to you and stick with that side even when they start doing stuff you completely disagree with. That is what most people seem to do, anyways. Worst comes to worst, just pull the “But I haven’t puberty yet!” excuse. That usually works for me.

Dear Carls,

How do get girls to like me? I sure like them, but they never seem to like me as much as I like them! What is a guy like me supposed to do?

Not Sure

Dear Not Sure,

Freud tells us that women are subconsciously attracted to men who act like their fathers, but if Freud told you to jump off a cliff, would you?! That is what I thought.

The key to a woman’s heart is knowing that no one has any real idea what attracts women. You may give me guff for saying so, but if you look at any scientific study of what women find attractive, you’ll find a lot of smart people doing their best to sound smart while shrugging their shoulders. The consensus seems to be that female sexuality is “fluid” which is nice, but it causes the male side of humanity to scratch their heads. Honestly, men are so often dragged kicking and screaming to whatever they are attracted to by other body parts than their brains that the idea that women aren’t nearly as one-dimensional as men confuses the ever living heck out of us. My advice is to take a shower, get out there, and be yourself, because I guarantee you that doing anything else is more trouble than it’s worth.

Oh, and if any of your friends try to convince you of “ladder theory,” “acting like a jerk is sexy,” or whatever else nonsense people have come up with, remember this: Brad Pitt will always find a date, no matter what he does, you on the other hand may have to be a bit more thoughtful.

Dear Carls,

I am thinking of getting a Xbox One or a Playstation 4. The problem is that they both have their pluses and minuses, and a lot of the information seems to contradict itself. What console should I get and what are you getting?

Console Warrior in Training

Dear CW in T,

Technology companies are not nearly run as well and efficiently as they want you to think. Both Sony and Microsoft are doing their best to act like they know what they are doing (Microsoft seem to be losing in this department, in my opinion), but in reality, both companies are scrambling and running around like Chicken Little, but it is very possible their world will end if they fail. The consoles will come out, and you are going to hear a chorus of thousands complaining that nothing works and everything is broken. The possibility that the online portions of either the Xbox One or Playstation 4 are going to work the first day, or even the first week, is a fantasy, and since both consoles rely so heavily on online connectivity, buying the consoles the first day is more like a preorder for a console that will work one day. Even when things settle down, considering the game selection and the coming updates that will make the consoles do what they advertised they would do will take so long that no matter what, buying a new console now is more like a vote of hope than actually buying a functional multi-hundred dollar electronic device. My advice is to wait and laugh at all the people who buy these things and cry that they didn’t see this coming.

Or buy a Vita. Those things are pretty cool.

Dear Carls,

With Thanksgiving coming up, what is your favorite way to cook a turkey?

Jive Turkey

Dear Jive Turkey,

My favorite way to cook a turkey is to make somebody else do it, and then thank them profusely when they are done. It fits right into the holiday! Just make sure you make some of the side dishes or you look like a jerk.

Dear Carls,

My cat just died and I am feeling bummed out. What is the best way to deal with the death of a loved one?

Resting in Pieces.

Dear RIP,

Death is the final absurdity that we all have to deal with. Being here, and then having to cope with the idea that our consciousness could fade away is something I am not sure if humans are even designed to deal with. That is probably why many people compared sleeping to death and became afraid of even losing any sort of consciousness. The fear of death has caused some of the most genuine kindness and caused some of the most heinous atrocities that the world has ever seen. Death is all around us, but people choose to ignore it because the complexity is so intense that any deep meditation on it can cause depression. Even the most wise philosopher has to battle with death, and may succumb to it before even being close to accepting it.

So, what I am trying to say is get over your cat already. Jeeze.

Dear Carls,

The internet seems like such a horrible, sad place. People are mean to each other, and with all the anonymity, there are no consequences. How can we change the internet so it can be a better place for all?

No LOLs

Dear No LOLs,

Well, committing yourself to doing a blog every week will help cut down your free time a bit. The combination of working on it every week and constantly thinking about it will make you think a lot less about why those anonymous people are so mean, and more about why more people don’t read what you write.

Alright! Thank you for reading and let’s hope there will be 100 more entries! If you want to send a question, remember, the email address is frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com .