On 2013

Looking back on this year, it hasn’t been an easy one. It has been a roller coaster of good fortune and bad luck, lots of goodbyes, and lots of hellos. I think this year will be remembered by me as one of transition. Coming home from Japan and finding jobs here has been an adventure, and I don’t mean the “fun time” type of adventure, but the “Am I going to survive?” type of adventure. I can safely say that, for the time being, I survived, and maybe even excelled! That is exciting.

If there anything I want to fix for 2014, it is that I need to really stop “settling” and I need to start planning ahead. I need to stop eating pizza just because I didn’t have easily accessible good pizza for 5 years. The novelty is gone, and I have to now transition to the life I want to live. Granted, things have been pretty great, but I have to keep moving.

I think this year was mostly about really listening to people, and trying new things. I found that a lot of things I really enjoyed this year were suggestions from friends, family, or even strangers on the internet. I found many things I tried to find on my own just didn’t live up to my expectations. Especially when it came to music.

I am just glad I got through it, and I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store!

Happy Holidays!

I was originally going to write a FAC with questions about Justin Bieber and that Duck Dynasty guy, but I am honestly too tired. Partially because it is just too cold, and also because it just isn’t the season for that sort of thing.

So happy holidays everybody, keep safe, and enjoy yourselves!

FAC - December 1st, 2013

QUICK QUESTIONS GO!

Dear Carls,

I’m hungry! WHAT SHOULD I DO!?

PLEASE HALP

Dear Please Halp,

You should probably get some food and feed yourself. Some fruits and vegetables would be pretty good.

Dear Carls,

I don’t have any good new music, and every new album I buy is mediocre. What should I buy to cure this rut I am in?

No Record DJ

Dear No Record DJ,

I actually just started to listen to Woman by Rhye. It is really good! You should try that. If all else fails, you should delve into some classical music. That stuff is timeless. Get some Vivaldi, Bach, or whatever and go to town!

Dear Carls,

My life is pointless. What should I do?

No Point

Dear No Point,

Invest in spears, pens, and pins.

Dear Carls,

I have writer’s block. How do you get over it?

Can’t Think of Anything Clever

Dear CTOAC,

Well, don’t start an advice column thinking people will send in questions so you will be inspired to write. That doesn’t really work in my experience.

I usually just get on my laptop and write everything that comes into my head until I get on track and start writing something more cohesive.

Dear Carls,

How do I lose weight?

Big Person

Dear Big Person,

Losing weight is a math problem. Eat less calories, and exercise to lose calories, and if you end up in the negative, you are good to go. It is better to eat less than exercise more, as eating huge meals then exercising for 3 hours straight seems disastrous to me, but whatever works, works. Also educate yourself, and be smart about what you eat. Good luck!

Dear Carls,

Look out!

DUCK!!!!!

Dear Duck,

This isn’t a question.

Dear Carls,

I don’t understand satire. Is it supposed to be funny?

Satirically Unclear

Dear SU,

The key to understanding satire is that good satire should be almost indistinguishable with the real thing. If you are making a satire about society, the satire should reflect enough about it to be instantly recognizable, but altered just enough to make the audience aware that something is being criticized. That problem with a lot of satire is that it is too obvious and just wanders in parody. The other problem with satire nowadays is that I am finding it harder and harder to tell the difference. Real news stories seem to criticize themselves at times. It is weird.

Anyway, no, it isn’t supposed to be funny. It can be, but it is the type of funny that makes you laugh nervously because how messed up it is. I suggest Dr. Strangelove for your first foray into understanding satire.

Dear Carls,

I am nice guy, but girl I chase is no like me! Why no like me?

Caveman

Dear Caveman,

Attraction is not something that someone “fights” for. If someone is not interested, you should respect their feelings and leave them alone. This sort of “if I try hard enough, they’ll like me!” mentality goes against most things we actually understand about human psychology and sexuality. Granted, that doesn’t mean you should close out any possibility, but once you pass the ball into someone’s court, don’t try to throw other balls in the court because they haven’t thrown the first ball you threw back yet.

So what I am trying to say is, girl no like, so leave alone.

Dear Carls,

I have a math problem for you!

*EDITED*

Math Prof

Dear Math Prof,

No.

Dear Carls,

What did you get for Black Friday?

Curious George

Dear Curious George,

I got two video games, a pair of sweatpants, a new shirt, and a buncha music albums.

Well, that is it for this week! Write into frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com to have your questions answered!

FAC - November 24th 2013

This week, we have two REAL emails from readers like you! ENJOY!

Is there a God?

Are the Bible, Quran, etc. really holy books?

Are they also holy in other galaxies?

How do you know?

What happens if you’re wrong?

What's going on with the weather?

Do you know where I can buy a nice pillow?

Thank you

Dear Thank You,

Whenever I question whether or not God exists, it reminds me of that cliche of the mathematician in front a huge blackboard filled with numbers and equations, and then proclaiming that he has successfully proved or disproved that God exists. It seems like that mathematician is going to lose either way, either they prove God exists and people will then argue which incarnation it is through the near infinite possibilities, or they will prove God doesn’t exist and religious people will just assert that God is based on faith, and not math.

I could go through the logic for either side, and at some point, it feels like an exercise in semantics and beliefs rather than facts. Does God exist? I don’t know, and at some point, I get too tired to even try.

As far as whether the Bible, Quran, etc. are really holy books, I think they are. Though, that goes into what does “holy” even mean. I think that these books are “holy” because they gave so many people the basis for moral and scholarly thinking. These books are the basis for civilization on some level, and provide stories that people worldwide can relate to, and use to communicate. Whether or not you believe in them, it is their undeniable effect on humanity is in itself something that is worth discussing.

If humanity is considered something worth studying and understanding, these books will live on and be considered “holy,” though perhaps not as much as people on Earth do. I don’t really have any way of knowing this for sure, but luckily the requirements for being an advice columnist is just wanting to blather out your opinion, so I at least fit that bill. If my advice turns out to be wrong, well, it will be a learning experience for all of us, then.

The weather is pretty crazy, but it is not what is up, but what comes down, that should be your worry.

I think this pillow looks nice.

Dear Carls,

What do you think about all these rapper / video game mashup albums like 2 Mello's Nastlevania?  And do you think Nas could really beat a Dracula?

Sincerely,

Rapper-Video Game Fan

Dear Rapper-Video Game Fan,

I like them. I think they do a good job of showing off what is compelling about both rap and video game music. Sometimes the people mixing these things can take it a little too far and create something that isn’t appealing, at least to my ears, but I appreciate the effort. I just wish that this sort of thing could exist without the fear that some corporation is going to try and shut all these music projects down. It works as good advertising for all parties, but some people just want to control everything, even if it can cost themselves potential customers that they never could have gotten otherwise. I still wonder sometimes if all the hullabaloo about copyright legislation over the last couple of decades and how copyright laws will “encourage creativity,” has only stunted creativity and lead people to just try create disposable media to exploit people. People are still making media based off of Sleepy Hollow and Hans Christian Andersen stories, but that is because those stories are in the public domain. What hope is there for media made today that may not fall into the Public domain for decades? Will any of it last? Are we just creating an environment that is beneficial for the short term, but terrible for the long term? Only time will tell.

As far as if Nas could beat a Dracula, I am pretty sure he could. Especially if that Dracula challenged him to a rap battle like in the album you sent me. That just seems like very bad planning. Dracula gets his power by being a critique on Victorian culture, that is, he acts like a perfect gentleman, but is secretly a monster, which is contradictory to how Victorian people thought acting proper reflected on your true character. Nas has made an art about “keepin’ it real” so I just can’t imagine a Dracula having any chance at all.

That is it for this FAC. Please send your questions into frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com and I will answer them! Enjoy the week!

FAC - November 17th

Dear Carls,

I am a freshman in college and I am interested in Japan, but I keep on hearing about the low birth rate in Japan, and I am worried! When I get out of college, will there still be a Japan to be interested in?! Also, will there be anyone there who will want to be my girlfriend? This is making me question my whole plan of study here!

Japan Sinks

Dear Japan Sinks,

In James Clavell book Shogun, one of the characters regards Japan as an “island of death.” While that book is historical fiction, it isn’t too crazy to believe that someone in Japan said something like that in the past. The fact is, Japan has been struck by earthquakes, typhoons, and tsunamis since it was created, so “Japan being in crisis” is not a new thing.

In old Japanese plays and books, double suicides (or “shinju”) of two lovers that could kill themselves because their love was forbidden by their society was romanticized to the point of cliche. “Shinju” literally means “in the heart” which implies that killing yourself for your lover is the deepest desire of the heart. It becomes a bit more reasonable to then to think of why perhaps an individual in Japan might not want to invest their lives to such an ideal. In crowded cities where it can be too expensive to live without a full time job, a low birth rate sounds more reasonable.

As far as your problem goes, a low birth rate doesn’t mean a country with no need for love or human contact. It just means that people have gotten used to using birth control. As far as Japan still existing when you get out of college, you should probably worry more about the rising sea level and the unpredictable changes climate change may bring. The low birth rate may be the least of your problems.

In the end, nothing worth doing is going to be easy. Just don’t go because you want to see giant robots and anime babes. I can assure you, those things have been exaggerated by the Japanese media.

Dear Carls,

What is your favorite Star Wars movie???

Star Wars Fan

Dear Star Wars Fan,

I am not sure if I have a favorite Star Wars film anymore. I was going to say A New Hope, but I rewatched that recently and it just wasn’t as good as I remembered it. Maybe all the changes that have been made to it over the years (and the inability to see the original version) have dulled it for me, but I just can’t work up any enthusiasm for Star Wars anymore. I will admit that it is mostly based on the fan backlash that has emerged in the last decade.

I am so sick of hearing that George Lucas “raped your childhood.” You know what? Maybe you shouldn’t base your childhood on a series of movies. Granted, I assume that most people wouldn’t consider Star Wars their entire childhood, but the way people talk about it, Star Wars might as well been. You know whose childhood Star Wars actually makes up? George Lucas’ childhood. He is the one who watched Flash Gordon and other sci-fi serials, and made Star Wars as a pastiche to the things he loved as a child. It sucks that George Lucas seems adamant about not releasing the old versions, but you know what reasonable people do when something makes them angry to the point of ranting about it over and over on the internet? They stop paying attention to it!

I have nothing against people who like Star Wars. Star Wars is a fun universe, and I hope it appeals to me again one day, but for now, let’s give the hate a little rest.

On second thought, maybe Empire is my favorite? At this point, maybe my favorite Star Wars film is Clerks. They do talk about it at some point.

Well, That is it for this week. If you have any questions, please, please, please send them to frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com ! Have a good week!

FAC November 11th, 2013

Why hello there! A little late, but this week, I have actual questions! From actual people! See if you can figure out which are real and which are fake! You can email me anonymously at frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com !

Dear Carls,

What is the meaning of thought? And why do people shop at Wal-mart?

Seeker of truth

Dear Seeker of Truth,

Thought is a component of consciousness. Thought is what allows connections to be made inside the brain and meaning to be achieved. To ask the meaning of thought requires circular reasoning for it is impossible to ponder without using thought. It would be like trying to explain gravity without using mass. Perhaps the “meaning” of thought is to question the meaning in the first place, which is to say, thought creates its own meaning through existence.

And people shop at Wal-mart because it is convenient and the employees are so apathetic that you can sometimes get some pretty good deals on their mistakes.

Dear Carls,

what is friend?

xoxo,

an adoring fan

There are actually two definitions.

The most popular definition is a person that you can rely on and enjoy being around. A friend is like family that is achieved through kindness and empathy instead of blood. I think important key to friendship is also being able to cherish them enough to be happy for them even when they are doing something that may not be completely beneficial for you, but also speak up to them when they are doing something you don’t approve of. A friend should be somebody that you don’t have to give a disposition of every aspect of your life to, but you would feel comfortable to say anything to them.

The second much less popular definition is the “end of a Friday.” The second definition is admittedly something I just made up.

Dear Carls,

I am secretly stalking you through your Xbox Live account, and I noticed you finished Max Payne 3. How was the game, and what are better ways of stalking other than monitoring your video game achievements? I honestly forgot why I thought that was a good idea in the first place.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

Dear Acronym,

I enjoyed Max Payne 3. I think mostly because I enjoy Rockstar’s interpretation of the Max Payne character. Taking that comic-book noir character full of monologues constructed of ridiculous similes and turning him into a self-hating drunk is so much more interesting than 99% of video game protagonists. There was something about the way the game would glorify violence and action in the mechanics, but star a character that hates every fiber of his being. It creates a strong brew that I could completely empathize with. Not that I can relate to a man killing hundreds of people in self defense, but I can relate to Max Payne’s journey of hating things that have become habits for him. A lot of people criticized the game for this contradiction, saying that it was implausible for a man to hate himself and do the things he can do, but I think in a lot of ways they are missing the point. Max Payne doesn’t call himself a weak old man because he is actually a weak old man, but because his life has gone off the track for so long that the only thing perpetuating his existence is his deeply buried sense of guilt. He over criticizes his ability as a protector and a killer because it is something he never wanted to be in the first place.

This mix of skill and frailty is then communicated through the mechanics. The mechanics require the player to get into cover, or else be instantly killed by gunfire. Then the player has to chance to plan ahead, built up bullet time meter, and slow down time to execute that plan. It is not a perfect game by any stretch of the imagination. The game loves to set up a lot of subtlety and nuance, but then ruin it by having the antagonists make it explicit, and the ending feels sort of light and unearned (though the ending level had one of the best sequences I have played in the third person shooter genre), but overall I am glad I invested my time in Max Payne 3.

And a good way to stalk me is by reading my blog every week! Gimme those page hits.

Well, that is it for this week! Once again that email is frequentlyaskedcarls@gmail.com ! Enjoy the week!