Compartmentalization (Part 17)

Part 17: Another Thing Coming

I feel oddly calm in the shower. I can feel the hot water spray onto my face, and with my eyes closed, I imagine that I am somewhere else. Maybe somewhere sunny. Maybe Autumn, and I could just walk around and look at all the leaves on the trees changing colors. I think I should just run outside and go far away. Start a new life somewhere. I open my eyes, half hoping that I am already there, that I already made that decision and I don’t have to worry about what is going to happen. But here I am, still in the shower, still needing to get ready, still needing to confront Jordan.

Ever since I woke up from that car crash, I have had this nagging, lingering hate of my past self. The more I remember, the more I realize that I don’t want to remember who I was. I guess this is why I usually think in the present. Maybe that is why I can’t remember anything in the first place. I doubt it though. I am not sure if I was ever that aware until now.
I made this cage for myself, this plan. I know I am so very close to accomplishing it, but I am not even sure what it is yet. Though I know it involves beating Jordan. Jordan Steinman. I am sure in the past I had strong feelings about him. Feelings of intense friendship, or intense hate, but all of that is gone now. All I have left is the consequence of those feelings, without any of the context. I am sure if I had those feelings, then I wouldn’t do what I am about to do, but I think it backfired. What I didn’t realize is that forgetting it made it unimportant to me. Without that drive, I am just left with this shell of myself. I keep on trying to take off this mask, this persona I am left with, but the more I try and tear it off, the more I realize that the mask is just my face. There is nothing deeper. There is just me, having to pay for things I did before.

Did I really kill a person? Was Jordan just lying to me? That seems so against who I used to be. But who was I? It all is lost on me now. I remember the black platform, but I didn’t shoot anybody. The flames rose, and as far as I can tell, it engulfed us both. Maybe I was just watching. Maybe it was just a dream. Maybe, maybe maybe. I am sick of maybes, I want something real to hang on to. The only thing that is real that I can really hang onto is that need to take all of Jordan’s idealism and smack his face with it. Who is he to think he can change the world? Jordan, he always was the idealist. That is why he stayed with me even though my mind was broken. That is why he is head of the Smoker guild. That is why he thinks he can just invite me alone to his club and think he is safe. He has another thing coming.

I get out of the shower, and get dressed. I am thinking too much, and before I know it, I have a whole outfit on. I am not sure whose clothes these are, but I assume they are Max’s because there is no way I could fit into anything Ben wears. I assume this must have been the plan, because I have no other clothes. I assume. I always assume. Maybe this ‘plan’ I think I have for myself is just the accumulation of my assumptions.

There I go again, ‘maybe, maybe, maybe.’

I put on a necktie I find in the closet, and I go up to the room. It is quiet. I am not sure if it had been quiet before, or if my entering silenced it. Dan motions to Gwen and we head downstairs together. Gwen says something but I am thinking too much again to really hear it. That song ‘Amelia’ pops into my head again. I imagined seeing Amelia again would have been the revelation that ended all this, but much like the pop song, she just doesn’t mean much to me anymore. I couldn’t imagine why I was so smitten with her to the point of obsession. It isn’t like she is ugly, it is just that the difference between what she looked like, and what I imagined this woman looked like before I blocked her from my mind, is an uncanny valley I have created for myself. She was something special to me once, and now she is just a piece in a puzzle I can’t solve.

Amelia, the black platform, Jordan, Tarren McNabb, UWG, assassin, body guard, anti-assassin, they all linked together I just needed to find the missing piece.

By the time I finally aware of my surroundings, Gwen says that we are here. I get out of the car and look at the club. Before, you could hear the base of music shaking the building to its core, but now, it stood there silent, like an obelisk. Obelisk. I get a surge of déjà vu thinking about that word.
I enter the building and everyone seems to have departed. Most of the lights are also off, and the only lights that are on create a path to the stairwell. I decide to take the path and start walking up the stairs. This is it, I think. I walk up the stairs and I begin to get anxious. I remember somebody telling me that whenever I am anxious I just need to imagine the word ‘stop’ in my head. I flash the word ‘stop’ in my head three times, and each time it is accompanied with a familiar red, octagonal shape. It helps keep the anxiety down, and I feel confident. I then start needing to go to the bathroom. I debate whether I should go up and ignore it, or try to stumble in the dark to find the bathroom. I decide to just go up, and that I just need to go because of my nerves. I get to the top of the stairwell, and immediately regret my decision. Luckily, on the top floor there is a bathroom right there, and I prop the door open so what little light there is can shine it and give me some clue to where the urinals are. I relieve myself, and start walking down to the black doors with the golden J.S. As I approach the door, I start needing to go to the bathroom again. I think this is ridiculous, and I begin to realize that my anxiousness has turned to dread.

I have a revelation.

I couldn’t do this before.

There was so much I needed to forget to get here.

I hated myself back then too.

I guess I was a coward. Well, I will do what I needed to do now. I was such a child. I let people take care of me because I can’t take care of myself. Now that changes. I will end this.

I grab the door and fling it open. I am filled with the urge to go forward. I am ready to wring Jordan’s neck and get Maxwell back. I rush in. I see Jordan at his desk, now wearing just a grey shirt and sweatpants.

“Holy shit! How the hell have you been?,” Jordan stands up, “Sorry about that whole performance before, had to keep the whole façade up, you know. Did you manage to find the room okay? I tried to get the lights to show the way up here, but I am not sure if it was clear enough.”
I was taken aback by his tone of voice. This wasn’t the same Jordan I saw three hours ago.
“Do you want to sit down? We have so much to talk about!” Jordan says while moving two office chairs to where I am, “Hold on, let me hug you.” Jordan hugs me, and it completely deflates me.
We sit down.
“So how much do you remember? Are you totally in shock right now? I thought that I was way too over-dramatic, but your friend seemed to buy it. Getting everyone out of here was problematic, but hey, when you are the boss, you can do that sort of thing!”
“Jordan,” I say, “What is going on?”
“Wait, did you buy it too? Oh man! I couldn’t believe you when you said that the only way to really act well is to fool yourself, but this is ridiculous! Though, in order to fool the UWG, I guess you have to, huh?”
I am having trouble thinking of a response, and Jordan hands a letter to me.
“Here read this,” he says to me. I read it.

Dear J,
I found the library. Start operation ALEXANDRIA.
Your Friend,
J

“I don’t understand, “ I say, and I feel like I have been in this exact situation before.
“You wrote this! This is your handwriting!” Jordan says.
This was becoming a cliché in my life. I sure wrote down things a lot. I must have picked it up when I was in that cabin.
“If this is my handwriting, then what is operation Alexandria?”
“Do you want to talk about business now, or later?

I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to talk about it ever. I sort of just wanted to leave, but I couldn’t come back without Maxwell, especially with this tracker in me.

“No, uh, I mean, how have you been doing?” I ask weakly.
Jordan starts up, “Pretty good! Especially with things finally moving along. I can’t believe it! How are you?”
“Um, okay.”
“It really is good to see you, you know. It has been much too long. You took quite the fall there! I could never understand your madness, but your methods have gotten us this far I suppose.”
I struggled to think of something to say, but I was being distracted by how happy he seemed. I spoke up,”So, the Smoker guild? Seems like one heck of an organization”
“You can say that again. Getting to the head was hard as hell, but not as hard as being a UWG guy. I heard you were even assigned to Terran McNabb. I can’t imagine being next to him and resisting the urge to punch him in the face.”
“I can’t really remember.”
“I imagine remembering him could be dangerous. Talking about remembering people you worked for, how has working with Maxwell been going? Is he still stealing my style? I swear, that guy has been trying to copy me since he got into anti-assassination.”
“I would think you would know better than me.”
“What? Why? Just because I kidnapped him? Are you worried about him? Don’t be. Last time I saw him, he was about to take a bath. The ‘cell’ I gave him is better than most hotels. It is certainly better than the dump he came from.”
I am relieved that Maxwell is doing okay, but I am still confused about what is going on exactly, so I decided to ask a question I am curious about, “How did you manage to get to be the boss anyway? Since you worked for the UWG and all.”
“You know, when we first started working as a pair, I never thought about how well calling ourselves ‘J’ was going to work. Most people thought the ‘J’ stood for ‘Josh’ in the end. I think the only one who figured it out was Dan from Maxwell’s group. Man, I still can’t believe that we managed to rise so high up without joining a real organization. I guess with my experience and your training, we beat out the rest.”
“Training?” I ask.
“Anyway,” Jordan goes on, I am not sure if he heard me, “Getting in wasn’t that hard because nobody could prove the connection that I was one of the ‘Js’ in J. Everyone was suspicious with me at first because they knew I worked for the UWG to some capacity, but once I really sucked up to Ulysses Smoker, I was on the path to succession in no time. I became like a son to him. I changed the Smokers from a bunch of fangless aristocrats to my pawns. We are so close, we are so close to exposing the UWG for what they really are and giving them their retribution!”

I tried faking remembering what the hell he is talking about, but both my nerves, and my still needing to go to the bathroom, were getting the best of me. I needed to get out of there, if only for a second, and try to remember what the f___ (I still have that word blocked) did we do.
“Uh, sorry, but do you have a bathroom? I kinda need to go,” I say desperately.
“Didn’t you just go? I thought I heard you...” Jordan says.
“I need to go again.”
“Oh...yeah sure! It is out the doorway to your left, by the staircase. We got plenty of time, I’ll turn on the lights over there. Here, take these with you. They are the three letters you wrote to yourself. You told me that they were for ‘your eyes only’ so you can use them as reading material. Take the tie off while you are at it!”
I take the letters and run out of the room, and to the bathroom. The lights in the hallway go on, and I sit in the stall, hands on my head, trying my best to process what I need to do next.