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On Awareness

Every once in a while at a party, especially one where I may have had one or two drinks, I bring up the subject of “awareness.” This is not typically a subject most people seem to like talking about, but I feel like it is my duty as someone drinking an alcoholic beverage that I should extoll the importance of understanding the nature of awareness. Awareness is tricky because it is one concepts that require it in order to understand it. It becomes almost like trying to guess the amount of jellybeans inside a large jar; it is obvious whether there is a lot or a little, but just how many is always right out of sight.

The problem lies that awareness is about being able to recognize and identify. If you can’t recognize and identify, how can be aware of “awareness?” It is the same concept as a truly crazy person doesn’t know they are crazy, because if the person is aware of the erratic nature of their actions, then there is still some remnant of what can be considered sane. This is crucial to understand when a person drinks a depressant such as alcohol. As the body slows down, the brain isn’t able to function as well as it could. While there are obvious things the brain will notice as the person becomes more inebriated, such as sluggish muscle movements, the things that start shutting down in the brain are too subtle to be noticed right away.

Though, there are similar changes when a person is just naturally sleepy, and perhaps that is what makes it a little dangerous. Sure, when someone is drinking, they at least have enough warning (hopefully) that they shouldn’t be doing any sort of activity that requires some sort of caution, but when a person hasn’t got enough sleep and is going to work, that person doesn’t think that their awareness is impaired in any way. I remember one time I was walking to my high school, and I saw two people in two different cars stop at perpendicular stops in a cross section, wait three seconds, and proceeded to crash into each other. They were both following the law, but neither seemed to notice that the other was there. I had to hurry to school, so I didn’t see what the eventual conclusion was, but I did see two very confused people step out of their cars.

It makes me wonder how much we think we are aware is compared to how aware we really are. For example, I recently got new glasses. Before I had mostly rimless, round frames. I decided to change my look completely with very visible rectangular, dark blue frames. I went through my days and not a single person noticed. I even had somebody remark at lunchtime that she didn’t know I was here today, even when she saw me earlier in the day. I suppose that no comment is better than somebody remarking on how bad my new glasses look, but it did bum me out a little. Though I couldn’t help but think of all the things I don’t notice. But if I don’t notice the things I didn’t notice, how do I know that I’m not noticing them?

Maybe the only solution is to do the best you can to take care of oneself and hope for the best. There will always be things our brains edit out for the sake of convenience, but I think it is imperative to meditate a while and rethink the things that we may not realise we are ignoring. Editing I think is important in all facets of life, but we should always be aware of what we are editing, especially if we find ourselves in a situation that we didn’t desire. We all must be aware that we may be a perspective change away from happiness.

What I learned about looking for a job

There are many times in life when a person has to do something, but the best way of getting that something is by doing it already. Getting a date, being chosen for an audition, and getting a job, all seem impossible until it finally happens. It is that paradox of not being able to get something until you get it that I thought would go away as my experience of such things have grown, but somethings still remain tough. Getting a job has been something I have been struggling with. It hasn’t been nearly as dire as people have suggested, but when people suggest that it is “impossible to get a job” it isn’t hard to spot the hyperbole. I guess what they really meant is that it is challenging to get a good full-time time with benefits, which in that case, I have found that to be the case.

Though the problem isn’t really that simple. I have heard a lot of conversations (especially towards Americans for some reason) about the differentiations between being “happy” and being “comfortable.” At first glance, it is easy to to confuse the two, but the distinction is that being happy is an active emotion while being comfortable is passive. Being “happy” implies that the person is doing something to achieve this emotion, while being comfortable implies no real active joy, but the lack of pain and suffering. It is similar to the difference being playing a game and sitting in a nice chair. So when looking for a job, one question for me has become whether this job I am interviewing for will make me happy, or it will it make me comfortable.

Granted, that is a bit of a privileged question, and to be honest, I have been pretty much interviewing for every job I can get my hands on. I am lucky in a sense that I am pretty much open to most job opportunities and am willing and enthusiastic about learning something new, but that also can come to haunt me for it also means that I am not being focused enough with what I want to do with the rest of my life. When a question like “what do you want to do in five years?” comes up, there have been times when I have had to pretty much think up an answer on the spot. I want to be open and embrace the future, whatever that may be, but I need to be able to do that without seeming like I lack a point of view.

Again, it is the difference between seeking comfort and seeking happiness. I think employers are looking for someone who would be happy in that position, and I am looking to be comfortable enough to start looking for fulfillment. I think that maybe on some genetic level, I am just programed to be happy. Even when I was my most alone, sad, and deflated in life, I never got so low that I couldn’t find something to laugh at and make me smile. On some level, I wonder if it is my hubris and overconfidence that leads me to think that I would be happy, no matter what the job is.

My big challenge is then to conquer that assumption, because even if I take out the obvious jobs that I am neither qualified or have the stomach for (sewer cleaning and factory butcher come to mind) I really do need to find the niche that both I need, and needs me. I would be lying if I didn’t say that there are many parts of this journey of searching for that niche that I enjoy. Going to different companies I never thought about before, and interviewing with people I never would have met otherwise, is actually fulfilling in a way I never thought I would enjoy. I have already had several opportunities and conversations with people that I hope I get to see again. I think that may be the most oddly heartbreaking thing about interviews and trying to get a new job; you spend so much time visualizing and fantasizing about what you would be doing at this new place that when that dream becomes differed, none of that can become real. You get a taste of the camaraderie and the atmosphere, but you may never get to realize it. I suppose the only solace I can bring myself at this time is that most things are better in my head than they ever are in real life.

The only thing I can do then is to just keep trying. As long as I keep trying, it is something that I can think about and then evolve as I learn new things. I am shooting for what I really want to do, and I am hoping that I will at least end up doing what I need to do. That is the only universal advice for job searching I have found is keep trying over and over again until somebody just says “yes.” There are a lot of paths and make sure you take the ones most advantageous and unique to you. Take the easy path and all you’ll find is competition. So, wish me good luck, and I’ll make sure to wish you some luck once I can find it.